your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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