I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
