I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
