Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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