I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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