At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
