my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
