i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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