ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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