summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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