i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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