I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
May the power of my ass compel you!!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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