just come out here and I will go home with you...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
