the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
