I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
