just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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