my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
