it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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