I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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