dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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