Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
