True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
