So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
