guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
