If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
