I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
