OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
