The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
