I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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