Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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