dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
