I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
