sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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