She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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