my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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