if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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