Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
