Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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