Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Someone came in the potted fern
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
