my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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