he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
