Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
