If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
