Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
