M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
