I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
