i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
