I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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