I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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