Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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