he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i will never coherently bang her
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Bring me that man meat
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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